A small window into anxiety and imposter syndrome
Well hi.
It’s been a hot minute.
Why might that be?
I got a job.
Well, another job.
That turned into my main job somehow.
And this, after five months of freelance and another three and a half months of full-time salary – STILL feels like I’m being punk’d. Okay, okay, bring out the cameras. I’m ready to face the fact that I have to go back and get a real-person grown-up job that crushes my soul. Anyone? Hello? Ground control to Major Tom? No? We’re still doing this? Perfect.
A quick look into how I got here and why the title.
Everything that I’ve read says that to get published in today’s market you need an agent, especially for the fantasy genre. To get an agent, you need to have prior published works. To get published works, you need to have a writing resume. To get a writing resume, you need to get things ~out there~ in the social sphere. Thus the Linked In connection, thus the Instagram connection, thus the blog, thus the whole bit.
So there’s me, trolling around with Linked In, trying to figure out how I can connect with pages and people that I can use to start exploring freelancing opportunities. What comes across my page instead? An advertisement for a job opportunity writing in the video game industry.
I looked at it and shrugged. You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take, right? Someone in pop culture said that right? Or maybe it was hockey? I’m Canadian so lets be real, it was probably hockey.
With what felt like a crayon in my hand (it was a keyboard) and a piece of construction paper (it was my computer) I scribbled (typed) my bid for why I, a gaming industry noob, should be considered to write speaking lines for video game characters. Chuckling under my breath at the sheer audacity I had found tucked in the deepest reaches of my soul, I clicked ‘send’.
I assumed that the HR department doing the hiring would likely have a bit of a laugh at my expense. I wondered if I could put the fact that I applied for it on my writing resume?
Then they called me.
An interview.
Another interview.
A job offer.
Continuing to write things with my crayon (keyboard), I submitted a script. They liked it. I submitted another one. They liked that too. At this point, they were paying me too much for it to be a joke, right? And if it was a trial, why would they have offered me full-time employment? I did more work. More submissions. They are saying they like my stuff and to provide evidence, it’s actually going into the game. It’s not sitting on some shelf for them to consider at a later time. (Well some of it is but that’s not the point I’m making.)
Let’s circle back to the subheading of this post.
First, for those of you who may be reading this and don’t know, Imposter Syndrome, as defined by the good ol’ Merriam-Webster dictionary, is the psychological condition where you have persistent doubts concerning your abilities or accomplishments accompanied by the fear of being exposed as a fraud, despite evidence of your ongoing success.
One thing that I would like to interject is that – I’m not afraid of being exposed, I feel like I’m already exposed and I’m just currently ‘the best they can do’.
So, like, did I get this job because no one else in the universe applied? Or I’m one of seven that applied with a fundamental grammar ability? Knows how to use spell check? Has pursued one or two extracurricular writing classes? Remembered to actually attach a writing sample?
Imposter Syndrome is bad enough as it is, but it often comes to people who are already suffering from some sort of anxiety problem. I’m not here to tell you you can or can’t have one, both, or multiple. What I am here to do is let you know the current mathematical and completely scientifical equation that is guiding my life right now is as follows:
SOCIAL ANXIETY + IMPOSTER SYNDROME = REPLACEABLE AT THE DROP OF A HAT
I really quite like this job, and I am already grieving for it. I haven’t even lost it yet! I’m waiting for them to receive an application from an actual writer and they’ll celebrate, throw a little party with some cake, and boot me.
Now, the logical thing to do here, would be to touch base with some of my coworkers and ask if there are any concerns that I can address, any areas that I can improve on, any work that I can do so my work better aligns with the vision of the company. I have already done this.
Poll to the room:
How many times can you ask someone if they still like you before the fact you’re asking them makes them not like you, whereas they would have continued to like you before you started to compulsively ask them if they liked you?
Asking for a friend.
