This post deals with topics of abuse in various forms. If this isn’t something you want to digest at the moment, see you in the next one!

I can understand the underlying fantasy. Every girl wants to be “The Special”. Picked out of a crowd even when she’s plain. Treated like a princess by someone perceived to hold power. She wants to be the exception to the rules of his behaviour and be treated kindly and/or differently from all the Other Girls. She wants to indulge in the romanticized notion that she can be the one to alleviate someone’s emotional and physical suffering through the power of love. She wants to be someone’s first choice. Their only choice. Their whole world. It would mean being accepted as an inherently flawed self at the expense of accepting another’s flawed self. Doesn’t seem like too bad a trade. After all, isn’t it romantic when he says that if anyone else touches her, he’ll make them pay?

But what happens when this obsessive kind of love becomes mainstream and heralded as romantic?

Dark romance is REAL popular on social media right now, and I have some opinions. Not the kind of opinions where I just hang out here and crap all over an entire genre, but I definitely have reservations. Ultimately, it’s not the content itself I have a problem with, but the normalization of “romantic violence” in quantity and extremes.

Stop it. I’m crying. And begging. But mostly crying.

When something is trending, it not only gets seen by the target audience who are already consuming related topics, but also by those who typically wouldn’t search out and interact with that topic. Think back to when Twilight came out and how many people who were not normally readers picked it up. Think about how many experienced 50 Shades of Grey in one form or another. Those are just two quick examples of unhealthy relationships in popular media that are idolized, but there are many more.

Just like how the media can shape our perspective of beauty with their airbrushed models and influencer content, popularizing, and more relevantly, romanticizing, inherently abusive behaviours does the same thing, but to our idea of what is and isn’t tolerable behaviour. It’s not a question of desensitizing us, per se, but it’s the issue of repetition. How many times do you have to hear that abusive behaviour is romantic before you start internalizing that message?

I could go on a tangent about the Alpha Male movement. I could discuss Stockholm Syndrome and retellings of Beauty and the Beast. I could talk about how the romance of obsessive lead characters often mirrors the tactics used by romance scammers. I could even complain about the broody, morally grey anti-hero that has been popular for eons. But I won’t. Ain’t nobody got time for that. Not even me.

What I will talk about is the cycle of abuse and how these dark romances can warp our perception of and ability to identify the cycle of abuse in real life and push the boundaries of what we’re willing to accept from a romantic partner. We can say that we’d recognize an abuser and would get out of a relationship that was toxic before it got dangerous, but it’s not usually that clear, that simple, or that easy.

Unlike the previous generation and their hate-on for video games, I’m not trying to tell anyone that dark romances are desensitizing the masses and will cause people to become abusive in their relationships when they weren’t already predisposed to it. Or that it’s more likely to make someone accept abuse. What I am trying to say is that when you are shown or told something repeatedly, by multiple sources deemed trustworthy (e.g., peers, influencers, media), a certain part of your brain begins to internalize that. If not as a belief of your own, then as an understanding of acceptable societal norms. I don’t like my For You page telling me at least three or four times a day that something like stalking is romantic. That intimidation is romantic. That violence is romantic.

It’s not.

Now, dark romances have existed for a long time, especially if you’re willing to include less mainstream sources. I’m not mad about that. If people want to use the genre to work out their own kinks in a low-stakes environment, more power to them. If they are seeking a way to process abuse and trauma experienced by either themselves or those around them, cool. I’m glad these resources exist. I even have no problem with the curious who want to dip their toes into the genre to see if they like it. Or people who read it just because it’s fun for them. I’m not here to say books with dark topics should be banned.

I’m here saying we should identify abusive behaviour as just that, and stop calling it romantic. Abusers don’t need any more ammo than they already have. We don’t need to give them frequent, viral, wide-reaching romanticization of their behaviours. The cycle of abuse is confusing enough as it is.

For those of you unfamiliar with the cycle of abuse, let me give you a quick rundown.

The first stage is tension. Tension that the abuser builds up either consciously or subconsciously with their behaviours and actions. Ever had the dishes done angrily at you? That’s what I’m talking about. But tension is also a highly desirable state in romance reads. Of course, it’s typically less the violence kind and more the sexual kind, but the problem is we’re currently blurring lines between the two in things like mafia and dark romances.

The second stage is usually an emotionally charged incident. A physical fight. An argument. A one-sided outburst. Know what romance novels typically have? A fight or a breakup scene. The difference is generally only a matter of severity.

The third stage is reconciliation. Reconciliation can be love-bombing. It can be gaslighting. It can be a grand public show of devotion and willingness to change. It can be self-depricating comments about the self in an attempt to gain sympathy or arouse guilt. After all, the abuser is just a silly goose who can’t live without you. You’re the reason they’re alive. The reason they strive to be a better person. See? They recognized their own bad behaviour, and you’re the reason they’re changing. If you left, they’d be lost. They couldn’t be the person they want to become. You’re their inspiration, and without you, they might as well be dead.

Wow, didn’t that escalate quickly?

As for the fourth stage, it’s a return to normalcy. Calm. Life as usual. Or maybe life as a little bit better than before. This primes the victim, or that female main character, for the next instance of building tension, escalating from the previous incident. It’s for the sake of the plot. Promise.

When comparing the cycle of abuse to romance novel plots, and especially dark romances, I hope you can see my point. When you’re reading a book about a stalker who starts to isolate the female main character from her friends and family, it’s really easy to forgive a stupid little fight about where you leave the remote. Or look past your partner punching a hole in the wall when the Book Girlies on TikTok are telling you that it’s romantic to forgive your partner for shooting someone over your shoulder and making you bleed. He deflected. It was for your own safety. He was only thinking of you. Double promise.

It’s also easy to mistake the reconciliation stage of abuse as progress towards changing your significant other. Especially when gaslighting is involved, because when things go back to that calm stage, is it really just like before? Or are they better, and you’re just not noticing their efforts? Before, they wouldn’t have been able to hold it together for so long. You’re responsible for that. It’ll keep getting better from here on out. Triple promise.

So please. Call abuse what it is.

A final note.

I use heteronormative speech throughout this article, but abuse can be perpetuated AGAINST any gender or sex and BY any gender or sex in ANY configuration of relationship. Abuse can be physical, emotional, financial, and more. If what I’ve described above hits a little close to home, please talk to someone. Very few of us are the exception to the rule of our partner’s abusive behaviour, and we will not save them from themselves. Stay safe out there.

References

Leave a comment